A chapter ended and a new one begins…

I have always viewed my life as a book. We all have chapters of our lives, some last a long time and others are short. I recently closed a 9 year chapter. I confirmed my biggest fear, my husband had been cheating on me. I went though three stages of emotions.My first thoughts were anger, I never wanted to see or hear from him ever again. I was disappointed and disgusted with him. He knew that cheating was something that was unforgivable to me. I have seen cheating throughout my life and it was one of the things I asked to never happen to me. The next was sadness and forgiveness. I swore I’d never forgive a cheater, but there I was willing to give him another chance, I offered marriage counseling, to change myself, to work on our marriage, because when I said I do, I meant it forever. He wanted to end it. I was devastated, I stood their begging him to let me fix things, to let me change, let me be the person he needed me to be. As he walked away I cried, harder than I had ever cried before. The emotions I felt that day in the park will be with me for the rest of my life. I honestly lost a part of myself that day. A part of me I may never get back. I Immediately pulled myself together and put a smile on my face. I accepted what happened. I know I Couldn’t change something that was unchangeable. I wasn’t going to let my life end because I was sad. I put a brave face on, and jumped into something I Had not done since I was in high school. I started dating. I needed to fill the loneliness, the hole he left in me. Some may say I jumped into dating to fast, yeah and maybe I did. I needed to feel good about myself, and I found that on dating Apps. Guys showing me attention, making me feel wanted, they made me feel attractive, and made me feel good about myself, something he stripped me of. I needed that. It was helping me heal. I started trying things I had never done Before. I started traveling I started to love myself again. A situation that was so terrible and took part in destroying mecould never be good right? Wrong I am better than I have ever been. My confidence levels are at an all time high, I feel pretty, wanted and attractive. Losing him helped me find me. Everyday I find something new to love about myself and my life. I am going to be completely honest, I am sad at times. At times I text him, hoping this is all a dream. I have moments of weakness. Overall, even though sometimes I wan him back, I know our relationship is toxic. We brought out the worst in each other. I look back on our memories and I know we had some pretty great times, but we also had some pretty terrible times. Times I regret, times I wish I could take back. I look at our relationship and think in the beginning we truly loved each other, that’s why we got married, over the years we lost that spark and we got comfortable. So comfortable that we kept things going. I look at our relationship and think we were best friends, who slept in the same bed. Our love was strong but not in the way we needed. I can go on and on about the this topic, but I think I got the points across that needed to be said. If you ask me how I am doing the answer will change daily, and even hourly. Sometimes I am sad, confused, & mad. Other times, most times I happy, confident, enjoying life…. this isn’t the end of my book, just the end of a chapter. I wouldn’t change anything in the last nine years. Its part of the reason I am the person I am now. Each chapter of our story is meant build us.the past can’t be changed we can only move on. I look forward to the next chapter of my life, no matter what it holds, I’m gonna make the best of it.

xoxo Brit