This post was written on September 1st 2020, I never posted it, but reflecting on it made me realize how far I have come.

When does the brokenness go away?

This post is very raw. I found this in my notes. I never posted it. I am posting this so people can see how low I was and how far I have come. There is hope for anyone suffering.

I have felt more and more broken everyday. Sometimes moments help fix me but the glue doesn’t stick long. I have been trying to let go of the things that bother me, but I just can not detach myself. I’ve become obsessed about things and don’t know how to drop them. I’m like an addict needing my next fix. I am creating off the wall ideas in my head. They are irrational and insane, but they make so much sense to me. I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to be whole again, or even in pieces. I feel shattered. I feel like a piece of glass that was once loved, once someone’s pride and joy. Once was a beautiful, eye catching piece. I feel like I fell off the table and shattered beyond repair. Endlessly trying to be repaired, but the owner knows there’s no hope in fixing the glass. It’s been broken and shattered beyond repair. The only option left is to throw it away. It can’t even be loved again, because when it’s looked at it’s reminded of how it once was so vibrant and beautiful, but now just a pile of broken glass. The memories are not the same. It only brings sorrow and pain, because it’s not the same shiny piece of glass it once was. This is exactly how I feel. I’m broken, I can’t be fixed. I can’t be loved again. I can’t be seen as something that was once beautiful. I feel like the only hope for me, is to be tossed and forgotten about. I think the initial shock of me being gone would hurt, but shortly everyone will realize that I am no longer a burden on them. I think they will finally be able to live again. I think the pain will change to relief. Relief that they don’t have to deal with the nothing I have become, the terrible horrible person I became. I didn’t even realize I became so heartless and horrible. I wish the people around me knew that. I didn’t mean to become selfish. I didn’t mean to become cold. That was never my intention.

No matter how much I change I will never be good enough. I can’t take being a failure, I try and try and try, but my efforts are always over looked by the past. I wish, just wish that I could be what he wants, what he needs, but sadly he will only ever see me as controlling and selfish. It would of been nice if someone told me I was getting so bad, before I became unchangeable.

I can’t take the hurt I feel, the hurt out weighs the good. I try to let good times live on, but they are overcome with sadness, anger, and regrets. I can’t be happy without thinking I don’t deserve it. I feel that I only deserve hurt, pain and sadness. I don’t deserve to be happy, when I have caused so much sadness, and hurt to everyone around me.

I feel that my life isn’t worth living. I have taken so much for granted and don’t deserve a second chance. Why do good people get sick and die, why not people like me? People like me who deserve to die a painful death.