Letting go…

The broad topic of letting go. How do you let go. As you, my readers know, I am going through a divorce. It’s been a little over two months since things ended, and in a little under a week we will be officially divorced. Ironically our divorce date is the day we meet oh so many years ago. Everyone keeps telling me I need to let go of him. Yes I know I gotta let go of him. I have let go of the idea of there being a him and I. I let go of us ever getting back together. The things I’m having a hard time letting go of are the memories, almost 10 years of memories. I still think of our first date and I think of the last time we talked. How do you let go of 10 years of memories, 10 years of seeing the same person everyday. I’m having a hard time letting go of my best friend. Boy we’re we terrible lovers, but we were so good at being best friends. I knew him like the back of my hand. I knew that everyday I would get to see him and have someone to talk to, someone to let all my feelings flow out to. I knew no matter what I did he was always there for me. How do you let go of the person who held you together for so many years? I have a hard time letting go of the idea of us being together forever. We both know we are not meant to be together forever, but it’s hard to let go of the comfort he brought me, I wanted it to last forever. I was so comfortable with him. I was me and not scared to show him who I was, the sick me, the happy me, the scared me. How do you let go of the person who you shared so many first with? He was the first person I had ever slept with, the first person I shared a bed with, shared a home with. We got our first pet together. He was the first person I said I love you and meant it. He was my first real love. How do you let that all go in a matter of months? I just can’t. I am slowing letting him go, I threw away a lot of the stuff we shared together over the years, pictures, notes, flowers, stuffed animals. Part of me broke inside, that was my life I was throwing away. I was literally throwing away piece of my life. It felt so wrong but at the same time so right. I felt a little bit of relief. The truth is though, I couldn’t let it all go, we have 1000 of printed pictures, I couldn’t throw them all away. How do you let go of picture of first Christmases, first dances, first kisses, I just can’t. One day I’ll loook back when I’m old and think, I’m glad I saved these, because 10 years of memories gone, would be wrong. One day I will tell my kids about my first husband, first love and show them pictures, of when we go our first apartment, our First puppy, spent our first Valentine’s Day together, because those memories make me who I am now. I wouldn’t be the person I was without him. A decade is a long time to spend with someone.

To be honest, I might spend a decade letting him go, if I ever completely let him go.

It is okay! I repeat it’s okay to hold on if you do it in a healthy manner. Like I said I let go of the ideas that we are meant to be together or get back together. That will never happen. I’m not holding on the false hope, I’m holding onto the memories and friendship we had.