Four years ago to this day, I was checking into a hotel with my soon to be husband. Anxious about the events that would occur over the next few days. I celebrated last nights as a misses with the girls who meant the most to me. I would have a rehearsal at the gazebo & a dinner that followed with people who had so many nice things to say about our love & on that third day I would be married. What was easily the happiest day of my life, is bringing me so much anxiety and sadness. My head knows that we grew apart, that our souls no longer aligned. My heart on the other hand is hurting. I truly thought I was healed, but the memories are coming flooding in. Not only those happy memories but all the sad and hurtful ones. Sadly PTSD is consuming me. Little things trigger me to have flashbacks that are causing me extreme anxiety. It’s funny that I am dreading September 23rd this year, it can’t be any worse than last year. Last year I woke up to no text message, so I texted him in which he took several hours to reply. It was a short message “happy anniversary” no I love you, no babe, no emojis. It’s almost as if he forgot about it. We always exchanged gifts and cards. Nothing from him… not one thing. I jokingly mentioned where are my flowers. We got into a huge fight. The magic was gone and we were just another American married couple. A little over a month later, it all ended. The sad thing is knowing how it all ended I would do it all over again. He was once my world, my best friend. He got me through some of the hardest times of my life. He was always there for me and helped shape me into the woman I am today. I am thankful for the love I was shown and I am thankful for the hurt, because it’s made me stronger. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. As I write this, I realized one thing, I don’t blame him anymore for what happened, I don’t hate him anymore. I can finally said I forgive him, because he’s not a bad person, he did something bad but I’m not going to let that define him. I’m not writing for sympathy, just writing to get it off my chest. I do want to make one thing clear, I wouldn’t change my life now. I am stronger, more independent and overall happier. The dreadful day is only 3 days away, and I keep reminding it’s okay to cry it’s okay to be sad, because acknowledging the pain will only make me stronger. I just can’t allow my self to stay sad to long. September 23, 2017 will always hold a special place in my heart.
Coping strategies I plan to use.
1. Forget about trying to be happy on your anniversary
2. Remember that you’ll never have to experience this “first anniversary” again
3. Believe in your heart’s ability to heal after divorce
Brit 💖
Overcoming Mental Illness: The Brittany Bailing Story 