Four years ago to this day, I was checking into a hotel with my soon to be husband. Anxious about the events that would occur over the next few days. I celebrated last nights as a misses with the girls who meant the most to me. I would have a rehearsal at the gazebo & a dinner that followed with people who had so many nice things to say about our love & on that third day I would be married. What was easily the happiest day of my life, is bringing me so much anxiety and sadness. My head knows that we grew apart, that our souls no longer aligned. My heart on the other hand is hurting. I truly thought I was healed, but the memories are coming flooding in. Not only those happy memories but all the sad and hurtful ones. Sadly PTSD is consuming me. Little things trigger me to have flashbacks that are causing me extreme anxiety. It’s funny that I am dreading September 23rd this year, it can’t be any worse than last year. Last year I woke up to no text message, so I texted him in which he took several hours to reply. It was a short message “happy anniversary” no I love you, no babe, no emojis. It’s almost as if he forgot about it. We always exchanged gifts and cards. Nothing from him… not one thing. I jokingly mentioned where are my flowers. We got into a huge fight. The magic was gone and we were just another American married couple. A little over a month later, it all ended. The sad thing is knowing how it all ended I would do it all over again. He was once my world, my best friend. He got me through some of the hardest times of my life. He was always there for me and helped shape me into the woman I am today. I am thankful for the love I was shown and I am thankful for the hurt, because it’s made me stronger. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. As I write this, I realized one thing, I don’t blame him anymore for what happened, I don’t hate him anymore. I can finally said I forgive him, because he’s not a bad person, he did something bad but I’m not going to let that define him. I’m not writing for sympathy, just writing to get it off my chest. I do want to make one thing clear, I wouldn’t change my life now. I am stronger, more independent and overall happier. The dreadful day is only 3 days away, and I keep reminding it’s okay to cry it’s okay to be sad, because acknowledging the pain will only make me stronger. I just can’t allow my self to stay sad to long. September 23, 2017 will always hold a special place in my heart.

Coping strategies I plan to use.

1. Forget about trying to be happy on your anniversary

2. Remember that you’ll never have to experience this “first anniversary” again

3. Believe in your heart’s ability to heal after divorce

Brit 💖

Just a little life update since my last post. Life has been trying at times, but has been a fun journey the last few months. I have enjoyed getting to know myself again. Some major life changes have happen. In February I got into a car accident that totaled my car, I was devastated, my car was only two months old. I was able to get another car and recovered really well. I started a new job, at comprehensive behavioral health as a case manager, one step closer to my dream of becoming a counselor! So far I really enjoy it. I’m looking forward to the long term knowledge I will receive and helping patients. I feel very official, I get to make my own schedule, schedule patients and have a work phone. It’s the little things right? Speaking of little things, I have been seeing someone for a few months now, and he’s amazing! I enjoy our time together, we have taken several little trips, which I get to explore new areas. Remember when I used to not be able to travel? That’s a thing of the past. Speaking of things of the past, I’m almost 3 weeks off medications, I stopped taking Xanax, WHAT? I stopped talking xanax! Who would have thought. I’m a lot happier, I really didn’t think this would of ever been possible, I thought I was stuck on it for life. The pups are doing great, and that guy I mentioned in seeing treats them so well, it honestly melts my heart to see how much they love him. Axl broke his paw, but acted like it was nothing, he’s still the same happy pup. Roo is getting so big and listens pretty well now. My little eva is still my happy little girl, loves to snuggle! Overall my life has improved a lot, I’m happy, truly happy, I have my days, but for the most part, I am happy! Now for the big reveal, that life changing event that happened in October, well I’m completely over it, I didn’t think it was possible to wake up one day and not care what he’s doing or seeing. I truly realized how terrible things has gotten and how much effort I put in and for nothing in return. How I was worth it, my happiness is worth it.

Ladies, I will say this, if things don’t feel right WALK AWAY. Walking away has been the best thing I could have ever done. I don’t regret my time with him, because was a lesson not a mistake. A lesson to teach me what I deserve, how I can be a better person, what I need to give in a relationship, but also what I deserve. Let me tell you, several times over the years, I wasn’t happy and wanted to talk away, but was scared, scared of dating of paying bills or being on my own. My fear held me back, and made me miserable, the girl I was a year ago is totally different than I am now. I am experiencing things I have never experienced. I wouldn’t change anything that has lead me to this point, but ladies know your worth, because when you give and give you lose yourself. Don’t Do that. Know your worth because your worth it!

I’m gonna end this here, overall I’m doing wonderful and hopefully will update y’all more often. But no need to worry about me, because I couldn’t be happier if I tried. The laughs are genuine, the conversations are deep and real. And I will tell you this guy makes me feel like a little girl again, who has a crush, because each day he find a way to make me laugh and better myself. I can’t give him all the credit for my happiness, but he deserves some of it!

Xoxo Brit! 😘

Welcome to the next chapter in my book called life. I have been a single independent women for three months now. I am starting over as a new person. I have spent 10 years being what I thought I needed to be. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last three months. Some days, I wish I had my old life back and other I love my new life. I love the independence. I love being able to up and leave without tell anyone. Take a last minute trip and see where I end up. I love the attention I receive from guys. Attention I missed and crave. I have met several great people over the last three months some who have become significant in my life. I love getting dressed up for dates. More importantly I have done a lot of soul searching in the last few months. I truly am on a spiritual journey. I feel more at peace with myself. I took up yoga. Which is the best decision I have made. I love yoga. I have been able to get a physical workout in as well a mental workout. I have been finding inner peace, happiness and healing. I am truly starting to let go of the past. I don’t want to do it to fast because I don’t want it to creep back up on me, so I am taking time. Taking time to heal properly. Yoga has become an outlet for my stress, and anxieties. I am slowly coming out of a long depression. I can honestly say I am starting to be happy truly happy. I am starting this new life with a new mindset. I am starting a new job in just five short days. I am completely thrilled but also sad, sad to close another chapter in my life. I will miss all of my drivers and clients, but I am beyond excited to make new friends, start this new job. This job is a stepping stone into my future career.

I wanted to give an update on my life because it’s not all sad. I have my sad moments, but I have more happy moments now than I do sad.

Healing is in progress. I am healthy & doing great.

I want to thank my support system. Without you guys I don’t think I could remain so strong. ❤️❤️

Here is a list of things I am doing to promote self healing & to let go of past chapters.

❤️Healing is possible

❤️Take the time to heal properly, don’t worry if everyone thinks you should be over something. Take as much time as you need, because In the end you want to truly be healed and not just temporarily fixed.

❤️ Love yourself before you give your heart away.

❤️ find a hobby. Do something you love. I found yoga.

❤️ Never stop working on yourself.

❤️self care is essential. I have been taking baths almost daily with various mixes of salts and bubble baths.

❤️ Find your smile.

❤️Forgive, you don’t have to forget. But forgive for yourself.

❤️ it’s okay to cry. I promise one day the tears will stop, but cry when you need too.

❤️Get fit.

❤️ Take care of yourself. There is not better revenge than being the best version of yourself.

❤️ Make new friends! Girls, or guys. Friends are essential.

❤️make connections with old friends.

❤️ Make family a priority

❤️ Don’t be scared to take steps. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy.

❤️ Meee time

❤️ Let go.

❤️Everything happens for a reason. We can’t see that reason now because we are blinded by fear. Eventually the reason will become apparent.

❤️ never lose sight of your dreams.

❤️Do it. Go on that date, go shopping, go out for drinks.

❤️Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back.

❤️ You got this!

The end of my chapter has come. Almost A decade to the day. A complete circle. My ex husband and I officially started dating on January 12 2012 our marriage ended on January 12 2021. I was so upset when I received the letter in the mail, that the day I should be celebrating, my anniversary was the day I would be divorced. I was devastated to say the least. The night before the 12 I couldn’t sleep, I cried and cried. I remembered the good times, the bad times and the sad times. I replayed memories over and over again. I didn’t sleep much that night. The day came and only my Ex and I can explain the emotions we felt as we met in the parking lot before the court hearing. We felt it would be best to go in together. I remember very little from the day, I remember at one point the judge asking if I was okay to continue. I couldn’t stop crying, what was once known as a happy day was now the saddest day of my life. I felt like I was at a funeral for a family member, a very close family member. I felt that I was experiencing great loss. A loss I have never felt. It was over in a matter of 10 minutes, 10 years ended in 10 minutes. We both left and walked into the hallway. We looked at each other and could feel the same pain. The questions, did we just do the right thing? Was it really over? What do we do now? Who am I without you? I didn’t have to say it out loud but we both felt the same thing. We hugged and both just started balling, we knew it was the right thing? But how do you tell yourself that when your emotions are all over the place. After a long hug, we both still didn’t feel right. I invited him over to play with the dogs, because what better therapy right? Axl, Eva and Roo greeted us at the door. We played with the pups for a little and things felt okay. We then sat down and talked, cried, laughed and reminisced. We told each other everything, everything we had experienced since we split, we mentioned how much we meant to each other, and how we wanted to remain friends. We did that the next day as well. One thing we realized we were terrible lovers but best friends the kind of best friends that knew every little piece of each other, the kind of friend that you never want to loose. After that second day we vowed to be friends for as long as we can. After those two days I had hope that things were gonna be okay, I had several weak moments over the last few weeks, but one thing that remains, is knowing that we both and experiencing this together and that we are here for each other. We help each other though it the best we can. I no longer look at the 12 as the worst day ever. But the perfect day to end a chapter. The odds that the day was the exact same day didn’t just happened, it was meant to happen. While I still have my moments. I know we are both going to be okay.

Like I have mentioned before this will always be a chapter in my book and one that I won’t forget, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad. It made me who I am and for that I am thankful.

The broad topic of letting go. How do you let go. As you, my readers know, I am going through a divorce. It’s been a little over two months since things ended, and in a little under a week we will be officially divorced. Ironically our divorce date is the day we meet oh so many years ago. Everyone keeps telling me I need to let go of him. Yes I know I gotta let go of him. I have let go of the idea of there being a him and I. I let go of us ever getting back together. The things I’m having a hard time letting go of are the memories, almost 10 years of memories. I still think of our first date and I think of the last time we talked. How do you let go of 10 years of memories, 10 years of seeing the same person everyday. I’m having a hard time letting go of my best friend. Boy we’re we terrible lovers, but we were so good at being best friends. I knew him like the back of my hand. I knew that everyday I would get to see him and have someone to talk to, someone to let all my feelings flow out to. I knew no matter what I did he was always there for me. How do you let go of the person who held you together for so many years? I have a hard time letting go of the idea of us being together forever. We both know we are not meant to be together forever, but it’s hard to let go of the comfort he brought me, I wanted it to last forever. I was so comfortable with him. I was me and not scared to show him who I was, the sick me, the happy me, the scared me. How do you let go of the person who you shared so many first with? He was the first person I had ever slept with, the first person I shared a bed with, shared a home with. We got our first pet together. He was the first person I said I love you and meant it. He was my first real love. How do you let that all go in a matter of months? I just can’t. I am slowing letting him go, I threw away a lot of the stuff we shared together over the years, pictures, notes, flowers, stuffed animals. Part of me broke inside, that was my life I was throwing away. I was literally throwing away piece of my life. It felt so wrong but at the same time so right. I felt a little bit of relief. The truth is though, I couldn’t let it all go, we have 1000 of printed pictures, I couldn’t throw them all away. How do you let go of picture of first Christmases, first dances, first kisses, I just can’t. One day I’ll loook back when I’m old and think, I’m glad I saved these, because 10 years of memories gone, would be wrong. One day I will tell my kids about my first husband, first love and show them pictures, of when we go our first apartment, our First puppy, spent our first Valentine’s Day together, because those memories make me who I am now. I wouldn’t be the person I was without him. A decade is a long time to spend with someone.

To be honest, I might spend a decade letting him go, if I ever completely let him go.

It is okay! I repeat it’s okay to hold on if you do it in a healthy manner. Like I said I let go of the ideas that we are meant to be together or get back together. That will never happen. I’m not holding on the false hope, I’m holding onto the memories and friendship we had.

This post is gonna be raw. I have so many people question how I am moving on and not Grieving my recent failed marriage. It has only been two months since my life was flipped upside down. The truth is I am still grieving, but I grieve to myself, on my own time and in my own way. I don’t want to be a victim to grief. Why should I sit at home crying and sad, when I can live my life and take moments to grieve. We as a society have been taught to be sad and until we are not sad about the situation anymore. That’s not who I am. The honest truth is I am going to have moments of sadness for the rest of my life. A song will play and I will think of a memory that went with it. I will come across a picture of when we were happy. I can’t let potential sadness consume me and stop me from living. Life is short, so short that if we spend our time living in sadness it will pass us by. I let people see me happy, because that’s what I am at that moment, I may go home and be sad, but why make myself sad when I don’t need to be. Don’t get me wrong I am sad that my relationship ended, but I am at times happy it ended. You know good relationshipA don’t just end. So while I’m sad that it ended, I’m also relieved. Grief presents in many ways. A lot

Of times I take a 20 minute shower and cry! That is me grieving, but on my own. I don’t need people to see me cry to know that I am sad. Stop questioning someone who is moving on, who is happy when they are with you, because we all grieve differently and in our own ways. You don’t see me cry, but that doesn’t mean I don’t. I have feelings as much as the next.

I have my moments of sadness, but that sadness is going to define me. That sadness isn’t going to steal my happiness. I will not be consumed by grief.

The root to all my sadness is complex. At times I am sad my marriage ended, and other times I’m relieved, because I know it’s for the best. The thing people done realize with divorce is the extra sadness that’s comes with it. I am sad that holidays will be different. I am sad that people who were once family, will become just another familiar face. I am sad at the events that I will miss because they were associated with him. I am sad about the friends I will lose because they came with him. The sadness isn’t just losing your husband, but the people and traditions that’s were once associated with him. For me this is the third holiday that has been different. Halloween was easy, not much associated with that one. The next was thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was so different this year. What was once a large double family gathering was small and quiet. This year it was just my family, in the past we made it tradition to have both of our families together for one big dinner at our house. I am thankful for my family dinner and I enjoyed how intimate it was. I am big on tradition so I was a upset that it was different, so I couldn’t fully enjoy it! Christmas is just 3 days away, things are already different due to Covid, but for me it’s just another holiday without the same traditions. I am happy to make new ones, but I miss the idea of being busy making 4 different stops in a matter of two days! Fitting everyone in. I used to hate that we had so many place to go, but over the years I have come to enjoy it. This year, it’s just my family, no making a schedule to fit everyone in. No wrapping presents for all the stops, no bonus family this year. Something I never thought about was losing family and friends that have become part of my life for the last 9 years. I am sad, I feel like I have lost them all. I know people say we will stay in touch but they are just saying that, to make it though the awkward situation. The truth is they will call or text in the beginning, checking in on your and one day you’ll never hear from them again, until your at the store and pass a familiar face that you once knew so well. I never associated this with divorce till I experienced it myself. There is a lot more loss than losing your significant other. Part of me is thankful that I get to go through these major holidays while it’s still fresh, because I have an excuse to be sad, in a year I’ll have new traditions, but this year I can mourn the new losses and be okay with it.

If you know someone facing divorce and your not sure what to do. Be their friend no matter what, don’t make false promises & understand that they are going to miss you.

I understand you want to be neutral, try and not choose a side. Try to be friends with both parties. If your family of one side, just remember they were once a family member and the marriage may not of worked but your accepted that person as family so it’s okay to still be there for both sides. ❤️❤️

I have always viewed my life as a book. We all have chapters of our lives, some last a long time and others are short. I recently closed a 9 year chapter. I confirmed my biggest fear, my husband had been cheating on me. I went though three stages of emotions.My first thoughts were anger, I never wanted to see or hear from him ever again. I was disappointed and disgusted with him. He knew that cheating was something that was unforgivable to me. I have seen cheating throughout my life and it was one of the things I asked to never happen to me. The next was sadness and forgiveness. I swore I’d never forgive a cheater, but there I was willing to give him another chance, I offered marriage counseling, to change myself, to work on our marriage, because when I said I do, I meant it forever. He wanted to end it. I was devastated, I stood their begging him to let me fix things, to let me change, let me be the person he needed me to be. As he walked away I cried, harder than I had ever cried before. The emotions I felt that day in the park will be with me for the rest of my life. I honestly lost a part of myself that day. A part of me I may never get back. I Immediately pulled myself together and put a smile on my face. I accepted what happened. I know I Couldn’t change something that was unchangeable. I wasn’t going to let my life end because I was sad. I put a brave face on, and jumped into something I Had not done since I was in high school. I started dating. I needed to fill the loneliness, the hole he left in me. Some may say I jumped into dating to fast, yeah and maybe I did. I needed to feel good about myself, and I found that on dating Apps. Guys showing me attention, making me feel wanted, they made me feel attractive, and made me feel good about myself, something he stripped me of. I needed that. It was helping me heal. I started trying things I had never done Before. I started traveling I started to love myself again. A situation that was so terrible and took part in destroying mecould never be good right? Wrong I am better than I have ever been. My confidence levels are at an all time high, I feel pretty, wanted and attractive. Losing him helped me find me. Everyday I find something new to love about myself and my life. I am going to be completely honest, I am sad at times. At times I text him, hoping this is all a dream. I have moments of weakness. Overall, even though sometimes I wan him back, I know our relationship is toxic. We brought out the worst in each other. I look back on our memories and I know we had some pretty great times, but we also had some pretty terrible times. Times I regret, times I wish I could take back. I look at our relationship and think in the beginning we truly loved each other, that’s why we got married, over the years we lost that spark and we got comfortable. So comfortable that we kept things going. I look at our relationship and think we were best friends, who slept in the same bed. Our love was strong but not in the way we needed. I can go on and on about the this topic, but I think I got the points across that needed to be said. If you ask me how I am doing the answer will change daily, and even hourly. Sometimes I am sad, confused, & mad. Other times, most times I happy, confident, enjoying life…. this isn’t the end of my book, just the end of a chapter. I wouldn’t change anything in the last nine years. Its part of the reason I am the person I am now. Each chapter of our story is meant build us.the past can’t be changed we can only move on. I look forward to the next chapter of my life, no matter what it holds, I’m gonna make the best of it.

xoxo Brit