Will a bandaid heal a wound?

I recently had my life turned upside down. Like shattered into a million pieces. I have spent the last two weeks trying to rebuild it. The hardest part is I can’t help but blame myself. When I got sick in 2013, my husband adjusted to my new reality, everything changed. I changed so dramatically I was no longer myself, I learned to live the life I was being handed at the time and try and make the best of it. My husband was so supportive, he made sacrifices to be with me! Looking back the worst part of that was I never gave him the credit he deserved, I guess I took what he did and didn’t do because of me for granted. I now live with constant regret because he always put my needs before his, to only get the bare minimum from me. I’m not sure if the exact time line but this must have been where things started to go south. Being the selfish person I was I never noticed that his happiness was slowly fading. Jump to last year, 2019 was my year! The year my life became worth living again. I started to get better, but as I got better I became more selfish and self obsessed that once again, I only worried about myself, my happiness, what I wanted to do and when. We went from being a chill at home couple to me wanting to go everywhere, downtime? There was no such thing. I wanted to be doing something at all times. He wasn’t used to all the going, and never stopping. I never asked him what he wanted to do, I always made our plans and expected him to be happy with them. Now here we are, 2 weeks ago he left for 3 days to think, I couldn’t understand how he could do that to me. I pleaded to him, how selfish he was being, when in reality I was the selfish one. I turned his points against him. Not going to lie, a lot of stuff when down, most that I don’t want to talk about, especially for the world to see. I once again being the selfish person I am, I decided to turn to self harm, to try and make him come back, I grabbed a razor blade, and just started cutting my skin, the first strike of the blade sent me into another world, for those five seconds it took for me to run the blade across my wrist, I felt good. So I repeated it, several more times and the more I did it the more I broke down inside, I hated what I just did to my skin, now I was dealing with emotional pain and physical pain. I let the blood dry, on my arm, as I felt Disgusted with myself. He came back that night, because I threatened suicide for the 100th time since we’ve been together. I can honestly say at that point in time I had never been so sure in my life that I was going to do it that night. I called my dad pleading him to come get me, because I was scared that I was going to hurt myself. Like I said my husband did come back and he slept in the bed next to me, I look back and think how selfish I was at that moment. I was selfish because I made him come back when he needed a breather, but also selfish because I almost ended my life. The next two days were really hard, I went to my campgrounds with my little brother because being in the woods and surrounded by family would help right? Boy was I wrong, just like the band aide on my wrist it wasn’t helping. I can honestly say before this happened, I questioned my marriage several times, his he really the only guy I am ever going to be with? Are we meant to be together? Does he deserve better? Do we both need to have random hook ups after a night drinking at the bar? What was sex like with someone else? I remember that Second night thinking, all of those what ifs were answered. I didn’t want to be with anyone else, he was the only guy I wanted in my life. It was my dads birthday weekend, so I went to the store and bought a cake for him and picked up a brownie because I knew my husband would love it, just to remember that he wasn’t there. Everything I looked at was tied to him. The clothing I wore the memories of things we did while I wore those clothes played in my head over and over again. His stuff being all around me, I sunk deeper and deeper. I couldn’t lose him, I wouldn’t lose him. The second night, I decided to spend time with my friend at her campsite. I took my phone and left it at my camper. At first it was so hard. I wanted to know did he call? Did he text? As the night went on it got easier and easier not to check it. I remember going to bed around 12:30 and thinking I went 5 hours without my phone, I was finally starting to give him the time he needed. That Saturday he came back, things have been a roller coaster, ups and down all over the place. That Monday we spent most of the day together, but things still were rocky, that night we talked on the deepest level I think we have ever talked. The flood gates were opened. For the first time in 8 years I felt emotional, physically and mentally attached with him. The next day I had a therapy appointment and if you have read any of my other blog post then you know she’s my rock, I have overcome so much with her by my side, as we talked I realized that what my husband was asking of me wasn’t much at all. It actually is easy to give him some of the things he needs. Thing go really good until I left my mind wonder off. I start to question him, jealousy has become this large part of me. My insecurities cause me to go back into my controlling ways, then when I do start to get that way, I freak out because I worry that I pushed him away. It’s been a vicious cycle other the past two weeks. Coming from a girl who already worries, I now worry more. I am a worrier not a warrior! My emotions are all over the place, I cry at moments for no reason. I constantly feel like I say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, I ask my self if I am holding him back, I can’t help but to left my mind wonder and worry. If I had to decide how we are doing right now, I would say we are doing okay. Our communication is stronger than it has ever been, honestly I’m not sure if he feels this way but I don’t think I can get any deeper in my communication. We have reconnected sexually and I think that is also the strongest we have ever been. The problem is we are both struggling with happiness. He’s worried I’m not happy and I’m worried he’s not happy. We need to find why we fell in love in the first place and do it all over again. I think we are going pretty good with that, but living in Ohio we all know we all eventually hit a pot hole, and boy have we hit some pot holes, but we are still holding on! I have so much hope and faith that we are going to get back on the road soon. I feel like each day I am getting stronger even though I breakdown and cry, I am still stronger than yesterday. Someone wise told me to look down at my wrist, are the scars still there after two weeks? I replied yes! She said well like the cuts on your wrist are healing, they take time to heal fully, I said okay? And she said an emotional injury is the same, it take time to heal, it won’t happen over night and if it tired it would get infected, so it’s best to wait out the healing process. I couldn’t have felt that Analogy any deeper than I did. If we weren’t actually working on it and hitting pot holes than it would be like putting a band-aide on, and when we pulled it off, things wouldn’t be any better because the wound didn’t get any air to heal. The take away is we took the right approach to healing our relationship instead of the easy, fix that would eventually end. We are in it for the long haul, but we are both getting stronger everyday!

The answer to the title is yes, a bandaid will heal a wound till an extent but it need eventually the wound needs fresh air!

I do not in anyway condone cutting, I should never have done it, I wanted to bring awareness as well! Also suicide is never the answer if you are suffering from suicidal thoughts, do not hesitate to talk to me or call the suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 never fight in silence!

Thank you for reading, I really needed to get this all off my chest and what better way than share it on my mental health blog!

xo Brit!

Many medicines, few cures

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Changing medication

Disclaimer- this blog post was written in the moment, I am posting it now but not changing it, because what I said is true even if I wrote it out of frustration.

Why don’t we ever talk about starting a new medication? I just started a new depression medication, the medication is supposed to be one of the best on the market, it’s combines all three major hormones into one, it’s called Trintellix. Well let me tell you, I feel like shit, as I write this. I woke up for work this morning after a normal night of sleep. I am so tired. I felt like I was gonna fall asleep while driving. As I sit at work writing this fighting sleep. I feel like I have been awake for over 24 hours. Not to mention, the room is spinning, my head feels like it’s gonna explode. About 30 minutes after taking the tiny pill, I felt like I was gonna throw up, as well having stomach discomfort. This is how my next two weeks might be. At this point, some of you are thinking, so stop taking it. If your one of those people either, you are not on a medication or you just didn’t experience the side effects. My response to those questioning why I am still gonna wait out the next two weeks until it’s in my system, well the answer is simple, I need it. I have tried over 9 anti-depressants. The reviews of this one are promising, but sadly, side effects affect us early on and some people don’t give it a shot. The two weeks of torture, could lead to me finally to the right combination of medication or it could just not work. For some with severe depression, this is trial and error. I have high expectations that this medication is going to be great. I just wish people understood, how hard it is to change a medication. Let me just tell you a few of the side effects to starting a new medication might be, tiredness, irritability, short tempers, sadness, wanting to isolate yourself, tons and tons of physical side effects. I personally know when I start a new medication, I am extremely emotional, frustrated, I lack emotion, I feel lonely, my self confidence is lower, I sorta feel empty, I don’t feel I have much to offer. These don’t last long, but when they do, I want you to know that I am not being rude. I just don’t know how to control what I am feeling, My body is being pumped with chemicals, to boost my mood. Next time someone says they are starting a new mediation, think about what I have said. They may not be able to express themselves like I can. This topic is so avoided that most people don’t talk about it or even know that this even happens. Let’s talk. Let’s stop the stigmas. Depression is real, medication helps.

PS- Sorry, but I don’t want to hear about alternative methods, I have tried a lot of them they don’t work, also don’t give me take natural stuff, it’s still a chemical. I choose my poison, you can choose yours!

Life Update- May & June

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Well, I miss you all!

Since I haven’t written anything in awhile, I am gonna make this more of a life update, with mental health updates.

Last post, I mentioned I was heading to Florida is May, well, it’s now the end of July, so some of you may be wondering did she go? YES, I made it to Florida! I spent the entire 11 days there with only 2 severe panic attacks. Instead of leaving I choose to fight them, I was having so much fun, i didn’t want it to end. The plan ride was a little rough because of an issue with my service dogs, be we made it there and back. I came back a few days before my 25th birthday, I celebrated my 25th on 5/25 how cool? Every weekend since we got back from Florida, we go out to the camp grounds, to hang out with family, swim, cook, just hangout, I love feeling free. I don’t feel like I am stuck at the house anymore, so I absolutely hate being home, I want to be where the people are, as Ariel from the little mermaid sang. I sorta feel bad, my husband has been so supportive of me over the last few years and got used to being home with me, while, now I no longer want to be home, so I feel like I am forcing him to do stuff with me. What I don’t think anyone understands is I spent 6 years 6 years in the house, in Boardman. My family has been camping at the lake for the last 4 years, this is the first year I have been out. I missed so many family moments that I don’t want to miss anymore. Even if we are just sitting around it still beats being stuck on the couch feeling alone. He is working so much and just started a new job, I feel bad dragging him around, but I also feel bad leaving him at home. So I have been feeling a little conflicted, but still very happy and active. I went to the gnash and Anna Clendening concert this month and got to meet gnash for the first time, he was amazing and so loving and nice. I got to meet Anna for the second time and it was just as amazing as the first time, to top it all off she like and commented on my instagram picture. I can help but feel so loved by the people I have met over the last few months. The connections I have made in the last 6 months is insane, the distance I traveled in the last 6 months is 10x the distance in the last 6 years! I am blessed. I am fighting. I am not letting my bad days bring me down. I am not letting them control me.

This is just a quick, well not really that quick update, just so you all know I am till here and doing A-okay. Thank you for support! I promise to get back to my weekly updates soon! I have so many topic ideas, I can’t wait to get them in writing!

-Brittany

Who am I?

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So lately, all I hear is “you have changed” “ I don’t even know who you are” “what’s with all the changes” have I changed? The simple answer would be yes, yes I have changed some things in my life. Did I change no, I’m still me! I feel like for the first time in five long years I am living. The only things people are seeing is the “bad” they don’t see the good things I have changed in my life. “You went blonde” “why the sudden hair change” let’s be honest I’m 24 and never died my hair, I was to scared. I mean aren’t blondes hotter? I’m just kidding, I just wanted to do something different, I wanted to look different, I feel different. I don’t have 10000 pounds of weight on my shoulders. Anxiety stole 5 years of life, actually I let anxiety steal 5 years of my life. I hated life. Just to be clear I didn’t hate everything, I had fun times and great people in my life, but anxiety was so much of my life that I spent more days in the last 5 years not wanting to be here then being here. Let’s start with asking this question, have you ever been so stressed about a test, that you felt you couldn’t have fun? All you could do was study? After that test was over you wanted to celebrate? If you answered yes, then you have an idea of how I feel right now. I just survived 5 years of ups and downs, not leaving the house, not doing things, missing events, 5 years of barely living life. To not overcoming anxiety but managing my anxiety, so yes, I want to go a little crazy. Just because I am living and doing stuff that I should of done 5 years ago doesn’t mean I have changed. I am celebrating after life’s test. I smoked hooka once, I didn’t like it, I tried it, big deal, most people have. I got a little tipsy at a bar, I’m 24, did you read that I’m 24 and have never been tipsy, so I wanted to try it. It turns out I laugh a lot. Like a lot a lot. I have friends, I have actually went out of my way to makes friends. I’ve got phone numbers of friends I can call, text and vent too. Umm, the whole tattoo thing was a little spur of the moment. My entire family pretty much has tattoo, I just wanted one. It just happened to be now because I am not scared anymore. They of course have do with anxiety and are full of meaning but we will get to that sometime. So those are some of the “bad” things I done. People don’t realize the good things I have done as well, as mentioned I have friends again, I am always down to do something with friends or family. My weekends are so busy and I love it, I missed out on 5 years of stuff. I think I have become a nicer person, I feel like my mood changed. Even my coworker noticed that I am “nicer” we talk more now than ever. A year ago we hated each other, but now I realized that she is there for me. I maintain my job and a 4.0 in college. I can travel farther distances. Most importantly, I know how to deal with anxiety, I know how to have one bad day but not let it turn into a bad month or year, not let anxiety stop me from doing things that I want. Those to me out weight the “bad” things I have done recently. The answer is no I have not changed I am still me, I still know who I am and where I came from. I just have less fear, I just want to live. I want to feel the high life has to offer. I want to be involved, I want to be like everyone else, I don’t want anxiety to define me anymore, but don’t get it wrong anxiety is still apart of me, it’s just not all of me. Next time you go to make a comment think about what I have said and how that comment is going to affect me well let’s be honest, right now I don’t really care about your opinion because for once my opinion is the only one that matters.

I just want to let anyone who is suffering from mental illness to reach out to me. I am here, I know how your going through, I still have panic attacks daily, but I just have a grip on them and you can too! I will help you, one thing I have been told lately is how motivational I am.

Thank you for reading my rant!

xoxo 💋 Brit

I MET ANNA CLENDENING! 🖤

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I first would like to say that I am sorry I did not post last week, it was crazy with school, work, getting ready for Easter, and of course my trip to Columbus. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, I’m sure you already know (your thinking okay, we have heard enough) I meet Anna Clendening on Saturday. She has given me the strength to keep living, to keep fighting, the courage to face my fears. If you don’t know about Anna she and I suffer from the same mental illnesses she also sings about them. I have felt connected to her since the day I heard her songs. Since this is a mental health blog, I should get to the mental health part of the story, well if you read my first post, I have agoraphobia. The furtherest I have made it in the last 5 years was about 1.5 hours away. (That happens this year) I saw that Anna was coming to Columbus. I couldn’t, wouldn’t miss out on meeting her! I instantly bought the tickets, and told myself I was going. Not going to lie the whole week before the concert I thought I wasn’t going to go. I started to worry about it, i actually almost had my husband turn around, but I didn’t. I had to meet Anna. I had to tell her I felt her pain. I had to tell her that her music saved me. I felt sick on the way. I didn’t tell anyone. I just fought it. I thought about the reward. When I got to the concert, Anna’s Sister was working the Merch stand, she was amazing, she talked with me, told me things about Anna, played with my dogs. Anna came out to the meet and greet and saw my pups immediately, she made a comment about them. I for once felt like I could be free. She understands me, understands that I needed them with me. She sang a few songs, let us ask questions and even told us more about her. All while being 5 feet away from her. Then I got to meet her, take pictures and her autograph. She talked on the phone with my little brother and played with my pups. She listened to my story she felt my pain, I felt hers. We cried together, we hugged, I held her hand. In that room we bonded over such a terrible thing, but we felt for each other, I could feel it. She was so down to earth and open about her journey and story. That night I drive 3 hours away. I faced agoraphobia and best it. I didn’t let my anxiety that over my life that night. I wanted to live. I needed to live. I made it, if you take anything from this blog post, keep fighting, don’t let fear consume you. I did for 5 years, I lost 5 years! If Anna can tour and I can get out of my comfort zone, than you can too!

One of these weeks I am going to put together an mental health playlist so keep it an eye out, I know some amazing songs that have helped me become stronger and fight my mental illnesses! 🖤

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Service dogs named Axl & Eva

The reason I choose this topic this week is because I feel this is a topic that not very many people are educated on. Do you have to look disabled to have a service dog? The simple is answer is no! Just because your disability is not visible does not mean you don’t need a service dog! I have two service dogs, when I got diagnosed with my mental disorders 5 years ago, I met my little Eva, she made my life better not only did she make me happy, but if I had her with me, I could leave the house. After 4 months of barley leaving the house my doctor was in shock that the only thing that changed in my life was Eva. I wasn’t healed, I still had my disorders but they were more bearable! My doctor immediately registered her as a service dog! Eva nick named nurse Eva helps me to this day deal with panic attacks, when I wake up in the middle of the night with dry heaves Eva is the one awake and comforting me. When Axl came along we became a trio, once again my doctor got him registered as a service dog as well. Axl helped me in other ways, Axl is very supportive, he knows when I’m going to have a panic attack and try’s to nip it In the butt before it happens. I could go on and on how my pups have helped me fight my agoraphobia and panic disorder but no one wants to read pages about how great my dogs are. The real reason I am writing this is to raise awareness about service dogs for mental illness. On the outside I look healthy, I don’t look like I’m suffering or panicking, little do people know I am, I am a mess. If I don’t have Axl and Eva with me, I wouldn’t be as calm looking. Before I got my service dogs I could barley leave the house. I have been treated poorly for having service dogs because I don’t look sick. I had one guy say to me, you clearly are not blind, no need to have your dog with you. I used to explain my situation, but why should I have to do that? I shouldn’t. I can’t say all my experiences have been bad, one time we went to Denny’s after 3 long years of not being able to eat at a restaurant, we went around 10 pm it wouldn’t be busy and I could take Axl and Eva. When we arrived I told our waitress, they were service dogs and explained my situation, she was amazing she brought the dogs a plate of bacon and with our food brought us our bill and Togo boxes in case we had to leave due to a panic attack. That women made my life so much easier and I was able to stay and eat dinner. If only we had more people like her. Moral of the story is don’t judge someone by their looks, you have no idea how much pain or how hard they are fighting to do something that is so simple for you. When you see someone with a service dog, respect them, understand they need their dog with them. Try not to stare or make comments. We want to be normal! You have no idea how much support a dog can give to you until you have felt it yourself. For some reason they are able to give me confidence.

I kept this kinda brief but if you want to hear more service dog stories let me know. ❤️

Xanax, xanax, xanax…..

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Xanax

The word Xanax used to make me cringe! Ughhh, I hated to say Xanax! People would ask me, your anxiety seems to be a little better, what are you doing for it? I would dread this question. I would respond I’m on new medication. Them: ooh what medication? Me: with that chocked up feeling in my throat, ummm, Xanax. That’s when the person gives you that judgmental stare, I could just feel the persons negativity. Them: you know it’s addictive, your going to become a drug addict, it’s an abused drug. Why would you even take that? Isn’t there something else you can do, go to the gym see a doctor. Umm yes I do see a doctor that’s where I got my prescription, duh. I already workout doesn’t help when my chemicals are off balance. People instantly looked down on me. So many times I would explain myself as if I owed them some reason for my decisions about my health. I would explain I tried 19 medications. Yes, 19! I stated at gentle medications, and worked my way up the scale to benzodiazepines! It’s not like I started with Xanax, I tried everything, I tried seabands, herbal remedies, cutting out caffeine even tried Ativan and klonopin. They didn’t work. Nothing worked, until Xanax, my daily anxiety cocktail consist of Xanax, vistril, Wellbutrin and pristq. All of these medication working together have helped me tremendously! Now I have no shame in saying I take Xanax! Honestly I’ve become so immune to talking about it, I tend to over share. If you take one thing away from this post, I hope that it is you should never be ashamed of taking a medication even if people give you that stare. These medications and Xanax alone have changed my life. I don’t know what I would do without it! Never let someone put you down for making a decision, that affects your health, it has nothing to do with them.

Keep fighting,

Brittany

Life after agoraphobia

There is life after agoraphobia….

I would say I had a very carefree life before, before what you ask? Before 2013 I was your typical high schooler, I ran track and traveled multiple times a week, I even spent the night in different city’s with the team, I went on vacation twice a year. I spent the night with friends, took day trips out of town. You asked me to go somewhere I was going. When June 2013 hit, my life shattered to pieces. I went on vacation with my husband and his family to Florida. On the second day into our trip, I stated to feel sick to my stomach, the next 2 days I didn’t leave the bed. Finally I had enough I had not eaten anything, I wanted to go home. That same day I flew home by myself. My grandpa was waiting at the airport for me. I get in the car, he asked what happened, I told him I was sick. Once we started to drive home, I got my appetite back, actually once I got in the car the stomach ache disappeared. At the time I assumed it was just a case of being home sick. Little did I know a month later I would become house bound for 4 months. In July, my sister had surgery at Akron’s children’s hospital, we all went to visit her, the car ride there was pretty normal we all sang along to songs and talked. My little sister had some complications while I was in the room, it really scared me (she stopped breathing) we all left and went to the cafeteria so my little brother didn’t see what was going on and to get out of the nurses way. I remember this part vividly, I was standing at the vending machine getting a drink when suddenly I thought I was going to throw up, I ran for the nearest bathroom, got to the toilet and just started dry heaving, this went on for a good 5-7 minutes before my little brother walked in to check on me. I had a few more episodes through out the rest of the visit. I actually thought I had eaten something bad or has a virus. We drove home and the whole way I was so scared I was going to throw up. I get home and feel some what better, I lay down because I was so exhausted, I definitely thought I had a bug at that point. Little did I know. That the following days I would suffer the same thing each place I went, I remember taking my brother to kohl’s to get back to school clothes and running out of the store because I thought I was going to throw up, I couldn’t take the feeling anymore (I’m extremely scared of throw up) I stopped leaving the house. I would stay up as late as I could to avoid the dry heaves that happened at night. That’s when I found out I had agoraphobia, after around 4 months I went on a job interview with pink they kept calling and asking me to come in. I went to the interview and it went well, but as soon as it was over I ran to the closest trash can in which I started dry heaving. I got the job at Pink, but how was I gonna take it? I couldn’t leave the house. I scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist, she gave me vistaril and pristq, well it got me to my first day of work, my grandma and husband were trying to help me so they sat in the car for my entire shift on my first day to calm my nerves. I kept the job, for awhile, but I was suffering from depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. Some days were better than others. That’s when I found Eva. Eva the 1 pound chihuahua changed my life. She went everywhere with me. I started going to the grocery store and getting out of the house. I still couldn’t go further than boardman at that time. I was out of the house though, so that was something, right? Things got better having Eva. She got me active. I felt a lot better so I got a second job, and then a third. I felt like I was taking my life back and then March of 2014 hit me, one again my life shattered, I had to quit my job at pink because I was getting panic attacks at work. I could even get to work without dry heaving before. I had quit the second job. I now had one job and I was okay there until August, when my manager started harassing me for what I was wearing, accusing me of having an affair with one of our employees, and so much more. She became a nightmare, I started having panic attacks at work. One day she got on me about something that i “messed up” when in reality it was her fault. I couldn’t take it, so I quit. I went about 3 weeks without a job, my grandma got me a job at her work but after a month I just couldn’t do it. I once again became House bound for around 3 months this time. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t have another job until January of 2018. Over the next 3 years I started couponing and getting stronger, slowly going a little further. I still suffered from anxiety and depression but that’s a story for another day, (maybe a book actually) My fight with agoraphobia was heartbreaking, I missed so many things over those 3 years, Christmases, birthdays, holidays and vacations. Everyone around me was still living their lives while mine was on hold. I wanted to be there but I couldn’t, I tried. I even got in the car and tried to drive but always ended up back in my driveway. I gave up couponing because I just couldn’t got to stores anymore. I couldn’t go to restaurants or movies. In 2017 my doctor introduced me to Xanax. Boy was I against taking it, I heard horror stories about it, and all kinds of judgement. But at that point I was so low, I had fought for 3 years, trying everything from low class anxiety medication to 2 other benzodiazepines, I also tried, pressure points, herbal medications, I tired anything and everything I could. I googled and exhausted all of my resources. I was desperate. Xanax was my only option. The next few months were spent on the couch. I didn’t shower at points for a week just laying on the couch crying. Finally the medications all started working together. We started going to dinner here and there. When 2018 came along, I felt I was ready to take on a job, the perfect one found me. Monday-Friday 7-11 5 minutes from my house. (Mornings are better on my stomach) that year I was able to go to my family Christmas, as well as travel 45 minutes away from my house. I went to the movies and started to hang out with friends. Which brings us to now. As I write this it is March 2019! January marked on year as the kitchen manager of meals on wheels. In the last two months I have moved mountains. I have gone a distance of 2 hours away on multiple occasions. I bought tickets to one of my biggest inspirations and plan to travel to Columbus in April to see her. I plan to go to Florida in May of 2019! My agoraphobia has not gone away it’s still here , I have learned to control it. I still suffer from panic attacks and depression. We will get to that later! You guys there is life after agoraphobia, keep fighting! Never give up! I’m living proof that you can over come it!