Many medicines, few cures

Changing medication

Disclaimer- this blog post was written in the moment, I am posting it now but not changing it, because what I said is true even if I wrote it out of frustration.

Why don’t we ever talk about starting a new medication? I just started a new depression medication, the medication is supposed to be one of the best on the market, it’s combines all three major hormones into one, it’s called Trintellix. Well let me tell you, I feel like shit, as I write this. I woke up for work this morning after a normal night of sleep. I am so tired. I felt like I was gonna fall asleep while driving. As I sit at work writing this fighting sleep. I feel like I have been awake for over 24 hours. Not to mention, the room is spinning, my head feels like it’s gonna explode. About 30 minutes after taking the tiny pill, I felt like I was gonna throw up, as well having stomach discomfort. This is how my next two weeks might be. At this point, some of you are thinking, so stop taking it. If your one of those people either, you are not on a medication or you just didn’t experience the side effects. My response to those questioning why I am still gonna wait out the next two weeks until it’s in my system, well the answer is simple, I need it. I have tried over 9 anti-depressants. The reviews of this one are promising, but sadly, side effects affect us early on and some people don’t give it a shot. The two weeks of torture, could lead to me finally to the right combination of medication or it could just not work. For some with severe depression, this is trial and error. I have high expectations that this medication is going to be great. I just wish people understood, how hard it is to change a medication. Let me just tell you a few of the side effects to starting a new medication might be, tiredness, irritability, short tempers, sadness, wanting to isolate yourself, tons and tons of physical side effects. I personally know when I start a new medication, I am extremely emotional, frustrated, I lack emotion, I feel lonely, my self confidence is lower, I sorta feel empty, I don’t feel I have much to offer. These don’t last long, but when they do, I want you to know that I am not being rude. I just don’t know how to control what I am feeling, My body is being pumped with chemicals, to boost my mood. Next time someone says they are starting a new mediation, think about what I have said. They may not be able to express themselves like I can. This topic is so avoided that most people don’t talk about it or even know that this even happens. Let’s talk. Let’s stop the stigmas. Depression is real, medication helps.

PS- Sorry, but I don’t want to hear about alternative methods, I have tried a lot of them they don’t work, also don’t give me take natural stuff, it’s still a chemical. I choose my poison, you can choose yours!

Life Update- May & June

Featured

Well, I miss you all!

Since I haven’t written anything in awhile, I am gonna make this more of a life update, with mental health updates.

Last post, I mentioned I was heading to Florida is May, well, it’s now the end of July, so some of you may be wondering did she go? YES, I made it to Florida! I spent the entire 11 days there with only 2 severe panic attacks. Instead of leaving I choose to fight them, I was having so much fun, i didn’t want it to end. The plan ride was a little rough because of an issue with my service dogs, be we made it there and back. I came back a few days before my 25th birthday, I celebrated my 25th on 5/25 how cool? Every weekend since we got back from Florida, we go out to the camp grounds, to hang out with family, swim, cook, just hangout, I love feeling free. I don’t feel like I am stuck at the house anymore, so I absolutely hate being home, I want to be where the people are, as Ariel from the little mermaid sang. I sorta feel bad, my husband has been so supportive of me over the last few years and got used to being home with me, while, now I no longer want to be home, so I feel like I am forcing him to do stuff with me. What I don’t think anyone understands is I spent 6 years 6 years in the house, in Boardman. My family has been camping at the lake for the last 4 years, this is the first year I have been out. I missed so many family moments that I don’t want to miss anymore. Even if we are just sitting around it still beats being stuck on the couch feeling alone. He is working so much and just started a new job, I feel bad dragging him around, but I also feel bad leaving him at home. So I have been feeling a little conflicted, but still very happy and active. I went to the gnash and Anna Clendening concert this month and got to meet gnash for the first time, he was amazing and so loving and nice. I got to meet Anna for the second time and it was just as amazing as the first time, to top it all off she like and commented on my instagram picture. I can help but feel so loved by the people I have met over the last few months. The connections I have made in the last 6 months is insane, the distance I traveled in the last 6 months is 10x the distance in the last 6 years! I am blessed. I am fighting. I am not letting my bad days bring me down. I am not letting them control me.

This is just a quick, well not really that quick update, just so you all know I am till here and doing A-okay. Thank you for support! I promise to get back to my weekly updates soon! I have so many topic ideas, I can’t wait to get them in writing!

-Brittany

Who am I?

Featured

So lately, all I hear is “you have changed” “ I don’t even know who you are” “what’s with all the changes” have I changed? The simple answer would be yes, yes I have changed some things in my life. Did I change no, I’m still me! I feel like for the first time in five long years I am living. The only things people are seeing is the “bad” they don’t see the good things I have changed in my life. “You went blonde” “why the sudden hair change” let’s be honest I’m 24 and never died my hair, I was to scared. I mean aren’t blondes hotter? I’m just kidding, I just wanted to do something different, I wanted to look different, I feel different. I don’t have 10000 pounds of weight on my shoulders. Anxiety stole 5 years of life, actually I let anxiety steal 5 years of my life. I hated life. Just to be clear I didn’t hate everything, I had fun times and great people in my life, but anxiety was so much of my life that I spent more days in the last 5 years not wanting to be here then being here. Let’s start with asking this question, have you ever been so stressed about a test, that you felt you couldn’t have fun? All you could do was study? After that test was over you wanted to celebrate? If you answered yes, then you have an idea of how I feel right now. I just survived 5 years of ups and downs, not leaving the house, not doing things, missing events, 5 years of barely living life. To not overcoming anxiety but managing my anxiety, so yes, I want to go a little crazy. Just because I am living and doing stuff that I should of done 5 years ago doesn’t mean I have changed. I am celebrating after life’s test. I smoked hooka once, I didn’t like it, I tried it, big deal, most people have. I got a little tipsy at a bar, I’m 24, did you read that I’m 24 and have never been tipsy, so I wanted to try it. It turns out I laugh a lot. Like a lot a lot. I have friends, I have actually went out of my way to makes friends. I’ve got phone numbers of friends I can call, text and vent too. Umm, the whole tattoo thing was a little spur of the moment. My entire family pretty much has tattoo, I just wanted one. It just happened to be now because I am not scared anymore. They of course have do with anxiety and are full of meaning but we will get to that sometime. So those are some of the “bad” things I done. People don’t realize the good things I have done as well, as mentioned I have friends again, I am always down to do something with friends or family. My weekends are so busy and I love it, I missed out on 5 years of stuff. I think I have become a nicer person, I feel like my mood changed. Even my coworker noticed that I am “nicer” we talk more now than ever. A year ago we hated each other, but now I realized that she is there for me. I maintain my job and a 4.0 in college. I can travel farther distances. Most importantly, I know how to deal with anxiety, I know how to have one bad day but not let it turn into a bad month or year, not let anxiety stop me from doing things that I want. Those to me out weight the “bad” things I have done recently. The answer is no I have not changed I am still me, I still know who I am and where I came from. I just have less fear, I just want to live. I want to feel the high life has to offer. I want to be involved, I want to be like everyone else, I don’t want anxiety to define me anymore, but don’t get it wrong anxiety is still apart of me, it’s just not all of me. Next time you go to make a comment think about what I have said and how that comment is going to affect me well let’s be honest, right now I don’t really care about your opinion because for once my opinion is the only one that matters.

I just want to let anyone who is suffering from mental illness to reach out to me. I am here, I know how your going through, I still have panic attacks daily, but I just have a grip on them and you can too! I will help you, one thing I have been told lately is how motivational I am.

Thank you for reading my rant!

xoxo 💋 Brit

I MET ANNA CLENDENING! 🖤

Featured

I first would like to say that I am sorry I did not post last week, it was crazy with school, work, getting ready for Easter, and of course my trip to Columbus. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, I’m sure you already know (your thinking okay, we have heard enough) I meet Anna Clendening on Saturday. She has given me the strength to keep living, to keep fighting, the courage to face my fears. If you don’t know about Anna she and I suffer from the same mental illnesses she also sings about them. I have felt connected to her since the day I heard her songs. Since this is a mental health blog, I should get to the mental health part of the story, well if you read my first post, I have agoraphobia. The furtherest I have made it in the last 5 years was about 1.5 hours away. (That happens this year) I saw that Anna was coming to Columbus. I couldn’t, wouldn’t miss out on meeting her! I instantly bought the tickets, and told myself I was going. Not going to lie the whole week before the concert I thought I wasn’t going to go. I started to worry about it, i actually almost had my husband turn around, but I didn’t. I had to meet Anna. I had to tell her I felt her pain. I had to tell her that her music saved me. I felt sick on the way. I didn’t tell anyone. I just fought it. I thought about the reward. When I got to the concert, Anna’s Sister was working the Merch stand, she was amazing, she talked with me, told me things about Anna, played with my dogs. Anna came out to the meet and greet and saw my pups immediately, she made a comment about them. I for once felt like I could be free. She understands me, understands that I needed them with me. She sang a few songs, let us ask questions and even told us more about her. All while being 5 feet away from her. Then I got to meet her, take pictures and her autograph. She talked on the phone with my little brother and played with my pups. She listened to my story she felt my pain, I felt hers. We cried together, we hugged, I held her hand. In that room we bonded over such a terrible thing, but we felt for each other, I could feel it. She was so down to earth and open about her journey and story. That night I drive 3 hours away. I faced agoraphobia and best it. I didn’t let my anxiety that over my life that night. I wanted to live. I needed to live. I made it, if you take anything from this blog post, keep fighting, don’t let fear consume you. I did for 5 years, I lost 5 years! If Anna can tour and I can get out of my comfort zone, than you can too!

One of these weeks I am going to put together an mental health playlist so keep it an eye out, I know some amazing songs that have helped me become stronger and fight my mental illnesses! 🖤

Featured

Service dogs named Axl & Eva

The reason I choose this topic this week is because I feel this is a topic that not very many people are educated on. Do you have to look disabled to have a service dog? The simple is answer is no! Just because your disability is not visible does not mean you don’t need a service dog! I have two service dogs, when I got diagnosed with my mental disorders 5 years ago, I met my little Eva, she made my life better not only did she make me happy, but if I had her with me, I could leave the house. After 4 months of barley leaving the house my doctor was in shock that the only thing that changed in my life was Eva. I wasn’t healed, I still had my disorders but they were more bearable! My doctor immediately registered her as a service dog! Eva nick named nurse Eva helps me to this day deal with panic attacks, when I wake up in the middle of the night with dry heaves Eva is the one awake and comforting me. When Axl came along we became a trio, once again my doctor got him registered as a service dog as well. Axl helped me in other ways, Axl is very supportive, he knows when I’m going to have a panic attack and try’s to nip it In the butt before it happens. I could go on and on how my pups have helped me fight my agoraphobia and panic disorder but no one wants to read pages about how great my dogs are. The real reason I am writing this is to raise awareness about service dogs for mental illness. On the outside I look healthy, I don’t look like I’m suffering or panicking, little do people know I am, I am a mess. If I don’t have Axl and Eva with me, I wouldn’t be as calm looking. Before I got my service dogs I could barley leave the house. I have been treated poorly for having service dogs because I don’t look sick. I had one guy say to me, you clearly are not blind, no need to have your dog with you. I used to explain my situation, but why should I have to do that? I shouldn’t. I can’t say all my experiences have been bad, one time we went to Denny’s after 3 long years of not being able to eat at a restaurant, we went around 10 pm it wouldn’t be busy and I could take Axl and Eva. When we arrived I told our waitress, they were service dogs and explained my situation, she was amazing she brought the dogs a plate of bacon and with our food brought us our bill and Togo boxes in case we had to leave due to a panic attack. That women made my life so much easier and I was able to stay and eat dinner. If only we had more people like her. Moral of the story is don’t judge someone by their looks, you have no idea how much pain or how hard they are fighting to do something that is so simple for you. When you see someone with a service dog, respect them, understand they need their dog with them. Try not to stare or make comments. We want to be normal! You have no idea how much support a dog can give to you until you have felt it yourself. For some reason they are able to give me confidence.

I kept this kinda brief but if you want to hear more service dog stories let me know. ❤️